i have rediscovered a culinary favorite of mine: red wine. in good company. beats almost everything
i have this recurring dream that i give birth to a half black baby (recurring = at least 3 times!). yes it is half black every time. the birth itself is never pictured and the potential father is never in the dream. main focus is me holding the baby and loving the baby but not having any money to support us, and i can't stop pondering its skin color. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN
a: 'you're only wanting to come over now because you're drunk'
b: 'so what? you sound like a girl, be a man'
i used to be so mean and thought i was doing everyone a favor, including myself - i felt because i was endlessly disappointed in the male gender, i could get away with whatever i wanted saying 'i may be an asshole but i'm only adapting to what you've taught me'
i guess what i'm saying is you'll always risk getting screwed over but you still need to give people a chance, even second ones. you need to allow yourself to be happy, allow yourself to admit to WHAT makes you happy to begin with... sounds like a stupid cliché but is SO TRUE (well, chlichés happen to be true most of the time anyway)
couldnt care less about eloquence. i dont mean for this to sound good. i'm not a writer. i want to be a photographer in ny. thats stuck in my head for some reason. stuck stuck stuckstuckstuck do i want to follow my dream now? maybe later? maybe never? i'm not a writer. i have stopped writing. i have stopped thinking in writing. i think about black holes. red wine. blue skies. orange trees. yellow sun, big sun, beaches, surfing, brunch on beaches, sleeping on beaches, having sex on beaches, riding horses on beaches, walking thru NY streets, cool beers, old records, vintage fashion, flowy curtains, riding bikes, riding mopeds, riding cars, b&w film, art projects with friends, cooking, working for a good cause, rooftops rooftops rootops rooftop chilling rooftop parties, hot hot heat in the streets, white bed sheets, summer, i want summer...
but above all, i'm in love and i'm home at last because home is where he is